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Monthly Archives: September 2009

So ohm called, sorry extremely bored at work. I missed it and returned his call. He was telling me he couldn’t change the shoes he bought for pumps, so I could take them back when I got them. He said I was right. Pumps does not need more then 1 pair of shoes and he knows I take care of these things and he is going to give me money after he gets his 1 bedroom apartment. I was extremely pleasant which lately is unusual for me to behave toward him but he was pleasant. I told him I do not trust and I do not want him alone with pumps right now. He actually stated that he understood and that he was working on building that trust again. I am not sure I will ever trust him. I really just wish me and pumps could just run away and just be by ourselves and live without all ohm’s craziness. But legally I can’t. It sucks.
I don’t know. I called the therapist today but have not heard back from them. I should try again. I need to look like I am actually working. So hard not much to do.

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So I am pissy today and was called rude by a coworker because I did not want to listen to her go on and on about the patient. I just wanted to answer her question. I had a patient here and needed to get to them. Really it is rude for me to ask what is your question, I am a bit busy right now? Really that is rude.

I need to get in a better mood. How do I do that? Maybe I should go smoke? Yep great idea

So I looked up some stuff online about letting go of exs, and it said to cut all ties. Unfortunately I have to deal with OHM. He is the father of my child.

He showed up yesterday with shoes for Pumps that were too small. He also said that he bought him 4 pairs and they were also the too small size. Hey jerkoff, why don’t you pay your child support instead of buying your kid stuff he doesn’t need and is not going to wear.

What a f*ckin’ jerk!

I had the best weekend. I was in Pittsburgh for my cousin’s wedding and I got to see all my family that I have not seen in about 6 years. It was great. I love Pittsburgh and think I want to move there, just to be close to my family. I never had that growing up and I would like pumps to have it as he grows up. It has always just been my parents and my brothers. And i truly do love all of my family. They are freakin’ fantastic.

Maybe when Mom retires we will go back to Pitt. I know she doesn’t want the snow, but there is alot of research up there. And I know me and pumps could have a good life.

I really think I just want to get away so OHM can’t just show up at the house and see pumps alot. I know that is wrong and not fair to pumps or OHM, but I don’t trust him and don’t like him and I don’t think he should be around my child. I as a good parent can not allow someone I don’t trust around my child. Plus I think  it would really piss OHM off, and that would be good.

 I need to write more, later. I need to work now.

So I have paid the attorney and decided I am not going to be mad anymore, but ohm is such a douche bag. I am not fuming like I was before, but I still feel so used and horrible.
Ohm stated that he never meant to hurt me or use me, but he did. He had to know what he was doing was wrong, that it would hurt me and pumpkin. He is just so selfish. He has done nothing but make bad choices and now he is really going to pay the consequences of all these choices.
I just don’t understand. I tried to leave him so many times, at least 3. And everytime he said that he wanted to make this work. He wanted to do better. He wanted me. He loved me. But now I know it was just bullshit to keep me around so he can live a comfortable life. So he can have his cake and eat it too. The whole time that is going on, he had a fucking girlfriend, the whole time. I feel lime such an ass. And I did nothing. I should have left. I should have known. I should have followed my gut that this guy was worthless, not good for anything but sex. And the sex wasn’t even that good, well not all the time.
What type of person does that?
I am depressed now. I just thought that I might still love that fuckin rat bastard, but no I don’t. I don’t know. I really think he has ruined me. How the hell do you get over something like this? How do you just accept what a horrible person has done to you and how do you move on?
How do I move on?
I hate that I always have these internal conflicts and these problems. Why the fuck does this shit happen to me? Why can’t I live drama free and happy?
I sent ohm a text asking him why if he was done with me why didn’t he let me leave when I tried. I just don’t get it and I need to understand to close out of this shit. Why the hell did I text him? He is going to think I still want him. I don’t want him. I want to get over this and move on in my life.
Why can’t I let it go?

So I am no longer mad at ohm, but I am not sure I can forgive him. I am still filing for divorce. I am still asking for full custody, supervise visitation and child support. I will not go to the INS appointment.
I feel just feel so used and manipulated. I don’t know if I can forgive. I hope i can be civil to him, at least for the sake of
my son. I want him to have a father, but I don’t see that ever happening with ohm. I realized this weekend my brother spends more time with pumpkin then ohm does. It breaks my heart.
I spent the weekend being pissed and irrational to ohm and I was able to aplogize to him. He keeps aplogizing to me, but I am not ready to accept. I told him the past is the past and nothing can be done about it. For my own sake and the sake of my child I must not be mad and I must move on.
Btw I look great today.