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Monthly Archives: January 2010

Yes, I am sorry Lady Gaga has become one of blog titles. I just love it. I do want to take a ride on someone’s disco stick, preferably a very large one. Sorry that was bad.

Okay I know I have not written in a while. I have just been well living and that seems to take up a lot of time. I did yesterday (and oh so happy) finally got a wireless router in the house and set it up so hopefully I will write more now that I can in my own room, not the cold computer room.

So jenn, how have you been? Let’s see I have been depressed, then happy, then excited, then scared, then happy again, then stressed and it is only the beginning of the year. What the f*ck am I to do? Actually all is good. I love my job, even though it is beginning to stress me out a bit. I love my friends and family. i have made a new years resolution, even though I do not believe in them. Guess what? It was to spend more time with family and friends. My personal goal is to go out 1 day every week without pumps, who btw is now called goose.

The rest of my life good. Mom broke her foot and it is not healed and she is all depressed now. Goose is growing like a storm and crazy good as always. OHM is still an ass and probably always will be, but i have made a decision not to let him bother me or interrupt my life. So that is really all.

I have not been myself for a while and I think that is coming back. I did see JHC and KSY and AJN and KMAS last week and it was great. I need JHC to be around me everyday. I miss everyone, but JHC just got me. She was the ADD to my hyperactivity. Example, she was building a tatertot thing at dinner and they kept falling down. I said you need ketchup to hold them together. Nothing about growing up and not doing that, just you need ketchup. She tried it, it didn’t really work. I do miss them. I think I need to yell at them and make sure we go out more often. They were really slackers about it all. I mean I left ACMR about 7 months ago and we planned on maybe August at the latest. It took to Jan 2010 for this shit to happen (and M-W please let them know about this and make them read. i know you are checking up on me, ps I miss you too, next time you must come).Slackers, was I really the one in charge there?

Okay so, I signed up for a dating site, a suggestion from a current coworker, call singlesnet.com. I saw a few people that may spark my interests, but mostly creepy old redneck men. Do I really look like someone who wants that? Do I look like a redneck? Gross, anywho. I signed up for another plentyoffish.com. This seems more me. The pics and profiles are not creepy old men and I can filter by age group- the other site nope you can’t filter by age. So I am out there. It is actually really weird. I see someone that seems to interest me and then what the fuck do you do? It feels really odd sending a message to a random person, irony break I am totally random, but how else do you meet someone? Also, if they message you what do you say? Ask a question? Flirt- I haven’t flirted in a while- well maybe when I was drunk. MMM thinks I hit on guys all the time, usually when I am drunk (BTW I am not getting drunk anymore, well just not as much), but I not so sure. I think I am just really oblivious to all that crap because it was never a priority to me and it is still not, but getting laid would probably help my happy disposition out a lot.

I know, I know, I go on so much. I think I need to smoke and then go to sleep. 5:15am comes early.

Later haters.

I have not been so good lately. I have been a bit depressed and lonely. I need to get out there and start dating I think. But how the hell do you meet people? And how do you know they are okay?

I was talking with MMM on New Years and she stated that the dating world is scary and complicated (Yes totally is), but that is half the fun. She is right. Meeting new people and getting to know them will be fun. My problem is I don’t meet people. I am kinda of abilivous to people around me and if I am aware that someone is in to me they are gross and scary and rednecks and not what I want. I just don’t know what to do.

Anyway… the depress started on christmas eve. I just felt so alone and I should not be this alone. I got everything ready for Santa for Pumps and it was just me and mom. OHM is missing out on so much of pumps life and he always will. This is how he always been and how he always will be. I don’t even know when he is going to show up to see my son. He is an absentee father and he will never be good enough for pumps.

The problem probably started when pumps stated that he has meet the other woman. She is aparently living with OHM. OHM did not think it was a big deal for me to know that they are living together. I DON”T WANT MY SON AROUND THE WOMAN HE ABANDON US FOR!! That is so not fair to pumps. Well, he also lied to me about it. How can I have this man around my child and be a responsible parent? I can’t. I really legally can’t get rid of him, so I have to watch him around pumps. That is not fair to pumps, but I am not sure he can take care of my child and my child needs to be taken care of. So that is where I am right now withn that situation. It sucks and I am so tired of dealing with him.

I just need to get away I think. Maybe after court is done and I get custody which I will, pumps and I will move to somewhere. I think that might be good for us. Everyone I know thinks it is crazy talk, I have such a good support system here and whereever I go I won’t. But sometimes you just need to get away and try to live. OHM is ruining my life more then he already has and he is going to mess up my child and I need to do what is best, even if he does not think he is doing these things.

Later

So, I think I am a total tool. Yes I said and asshole and i totally need to work on it. Last week I went out with MMM and her sister and cousin and I was extremely bad. I got totally shitfaced and stated so not so nice comments about her cousin. I am truely sorrynad I don’t know what I was doing. I don’t think I need to drink so much anymore. I know that MMM is pissed at me and I have not really talked to her all week and I don’t think I should. I should totally be ashamed of myself and I am. What the fuck is wrong with me? I just love to alienate everyone around me and if I keep that up I will end up totally alone. I have so major problems, but I don’t know what the hell they are. Some please help me!!!

What is my problem? Let’s call him R. R is cool, I think he might be able to fix my computer and get all my shit back on it. I hope so! And I think if I get a wireless router he might be able to set it up and get me wireless in the house. Which would totally rock because the interent is not working in the office and I put it on my laptop in my room so I am sitting in my room writing now and I really need to do this more often. He is very nice and lettle strange, but overall very nice. I think I owe him an apoligy. I think I really do and I owe MMM so much for putting up with my stupid ass. Why the hell does anyone do that that is not related to me? No one should put up with me. I need to learn how to filter and become a better person.

My therapist asked me what I wanted to get out of the sessions we have at our last session. I stated I wanted to be a better person. I have filtered myself to her. I can’t open up. I can’t let it all out unless it is here. I can’t tell people to their face anything. I need to let it all out there and I need her help to fix this mess of a person i have become.

She thinks I am strong and very mature for the way I have dealt with OHM crap. I think I have been too. I don’t care about him. I don’t want to care about him. He needs to get his own life with pumps. I have my life with him and he needs to have his own. On thanksgiving, he called about 1230 and I told him we just ate and were about to go outside for a bit before nap time. He seemed so shocked that we ate without him. HE IS NOT A PART OF MY FAMILY ANYMORE! Yes his is a part of pumps family, but not mine. The girls I work with think I was crazy for not wanting him there on thanksgivin, but you know he needs to have is own life with Pumps and I will not be apart of that, so he should not be apart of my life with pumps.