we all live in a yellow submarine

So, I have decided that there is too much crap in my head for me to actually be myself. I need to let it all out.

1. OHM is probably going to be deported and I actually feel bad. I know I should not and I know I can not do anything about it, but I still feel bad. He is going to lose his son and the Goose is going to lose his dad. I could do something to stop it, but in reality he doesn’t deserve my help. he has done nothing for me ever and I have just given him so much in the past few years. I really don’t have it in me any more. But I still feel bad. I think I just want to punish him for his behavior. I am not sure he has ever been punished for anything in his life and this is a huge punishment. But he made his choices and treated me and my son like crap.

I have fought so hard for Goose and he always thinks that I am just being a and I quote “FAKE AND EVIL WHITE BITCH”. You know I actually understand how normal people are and how they react to things and I will in the future have to pick up the pieces of my son if he stays around. I know that I am strong enough to do so and I will, but I just want to protect Goose from all the bad in the world, including his father.

You know what happens will happen. Things don’t always happen how you want them too and since I want OHM gone, he will probably stay, but that is what is suppose to happen, so be it.

It is kinda fun knowing he is basically shitty his pants right now. I know I actually am a bit evil…

2. I am not sure I like meeting new people. That really puts a damper on dating, but I am doing my best. I just have this fear that whomever I meet they will be crazy and I can’t do crazy again. I have enough of that for the rest of my life.

So I have detirmed when you meet new people, you should be yourself and in the unspoken rules of dating people tend to not be themselves. If you try to hard to impress me you won’t. I need normal. I need someone whole is not afraid of being themselves. I am and if you don’t like me that is totally your probs not mine. And I think I actually meet someone who was themselves and I really like it. I felt comfortable. It was good. I just am not a talker unless I know you. I can write to the end of time all kinds of crazy ass shit, but talk to new people. I would rather not. Total damper on the whole dating thing. I guess I just need to exit the comfort zone and wade the awkwardness away.

3. I miss my randomselve. I think the whole divorce thing and new dating thing has just clouded my brain and I can’t get free. I need some time with JHC and then maybe I can get the whole brain cloud thing away.

Side note: Did you ever see Joe versus the Volcano? No well great movie, you really need to see it. Tom hanks and Meg Ryan. Anyway Joe (Tom Hanks) is crazy and Meg Ryan’s father needs someone th kill themselves in this volcano. So he has Joe convinced that he has a brain cloud and is going to die and he needs to jump in this volcano to help him out. He pays him and Meg Ryan has this boat and takes him to the volcano.

 Anyway brain cloud, they actually don’t exist, but sometimes it feels like they are there.

4. i have nothing left. Sorry I am really not myself. I think it could be the time change thing to, that always throws me off for a bit and then I did not want to work today or actually do anything. I need a mini-break. Next month, Scottsdale. I have to work, but I will have saturday night to myself.

I am outie 5000.

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