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Monthly Archives: April 2010

drunk blogging my favorite thing. Okay so complete;y hammered and writing my favorite thing.

So life… I had all kinds of good thoughts upstairs but now i am down and I don’t remember. drunk life. What the fuck!!

i think drunk housework is my favorite thing to do.I just did all the ironing for the last 2 weeks in about 20 minutes and I am so drunk.

So for all my peeps who check me out. Hold on I need light. Better. So I am drunk and happy. I just completed all the housework for the weekend and I have the next few days to do whatever I want to do.

How have I been. I have actually been good and busy. I love to be bisy I love to always have something to do and with a child of the age of 2 you always have something to do.  I always have something to do. and I have been trying to balance a social life, a love life, motherhood and a career. This is very challegeing by the way and I have found myself extremely tired.

For little dick man. Actually not so bad. and he is good at head, so for now a keeper. i really do enjoy his company and I hope I can see him soon, but he has his children this weekend and I like to let him ahve that time because I think that time with your kids is very important, many next weekend.

We actually had sex and yes I felt it. TMI I know sorry, drunk girl here and not changing. I don’t even think i will spell check.

There is omething about lighting a cigarettes with a match. Hmm…

I think I am too drunk to write, you know I have not been drunk since last November and that is a really long time for me. i have been buzzed but downright drunk no…

Tomorrow is going to suck. i should sleep and my brain is not working the way i want it too. I will try to write tomorrow, because I do have alot to say, but MMM is coming and I might be drunk again.

Later haters…

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I was checking out my dashboard and one of the top searchs, who am I kidding the only top search was why does alcohol make you feel better? If that person looking comes back to my blog, the answer is below. And yes I do know what I am talking about. Drugs and how they interact within the brain is my speciality. I HEART DRUGS.

Alcohol makes you feel better because it works the fluid abilities of the neurons within your brain as in one theory or in another it effects the GABA receptors, particulary the NMDA receptors by decreasing the the frequency of the opening of the Na+ ion chanels. This is similar to how benzos and barbiturates work within your brain and they both make you feel a hell of alot happier. For alcohol and the GBDA receptors, the alcohol molecules bind with the receptors. This is how it can become addictive. If you continue to drink alot of alcohol, then your body will stop producing the actual GBDA chemical. Your brain has learned that there is too much stuff floating around and it does not need to make the GBDA chemical. This chemical works on the dopaminergic pathway within your brain. This particalur pathway is sometimes called the “pleasure pathway.” That is way people think alcohol makes them happy. If chemicals work in the pleasure pathway, then you feel good. You have actually added chemicals to your brain and the normal chemicals your body proceduces mix with the added chemicals and makes you very happy. (I reviewed my old Psychopharmacolgy text book to make sure I was giving the correct information. Reference: Julien, Robert M., A primer of Drug Action: A concise, nontechnical Guide to the Actions, uses and Side Effects of Psychoactive Drugs. 8th Edition. 1998. W.H. Freeman and Company, New York. pg 64-73. Please check my source if you would like.)

Alcohol is actually a depressant. If you drink too much you can effect your brain stem which basically keeps you alive, so please be careful when drinking. Alcohol will surpres syour heart rate and breathing. Too much is never good.

And also think of the addicting aspects of the chemical. It does change your brain chemistry. And that is why it is addicting. After time, alcohol will no laonger make you feel good, it will just keep you normal. This is also why people develop tolerances and need more and more to get drunk or tipsy or whatever they are trying to get.

I know I know, I drink alot, but I do watch myself. I know how much I can handle and I try not to do it too often. I think you can be responsible and irresponsible all at the same time.

I know total old school, but after my saturday night it totally fits.

How did it all begin… Woke up on Saturday and dank coffee. Went to get showered and dressed. OHM came to pick up Goose. Mom and I went to Wal-Mart then the nursery on Dallas Hwy and got plants.

SIDENOTE: I now how gardens. I think I might slowly make the front yard an English garden. Very excited. Anyhoo.

Then we got our toes done, then we pick up #2 brother, DCK and went to lunch, Wal-mart again and home depot for the veggies. Then I got home and then left again to meet MMM and her sister E-M (note to self find out middle name). Went to Cartersville, yes I have been to Cartersville, GA and it is actually a cool little town.

In Cartersville, E-M got her side tattoo redone. I got no tattoos this weekend. Kinda sad, but I did decide to get my nipples pierced. The lady that can do them cheap, was busy and then she was not and then she took some pill, so they did not get pierced. It will happen at a later date.

Then we went to E-M house. She smoked a bowl, which BTW smelled so fucking good. I have not smelled any pot in a long fucking time and I really wanted to hit it, but I know that it makes me way to paranoid and it is a complete waste of some good pot and I can’t waste any pot.

Then we went to Taco bell. I do love some Taco Bell and ate.

Then it was off to our favorite local watering hole. We were there by 7pm which is actually way to earlier to be at a bar. So the night goes on.

Drinks all around and E-M gets a bit drunk. Good, maybe her side won’t hurt too much. Some drunk redneck chick comes in and proceeds to play Rob Zombie and assorted collection of country songs on the jukebox. I FUCKING HATE COUNTRY!! And I stated that very loudly. She did not appreciate my comments, but she was falling down drunk at the time. Too fucking funny. Then MMM stated we needed to get the jukebox before she did. So I gather my 2 bucks and played some music I enjoy. She did not appreciate my song selection, big surprise. At this point the bar is filling up with people and the band shows up. See at this bar the band never starts until 11pm, so when you get there at 7pm by 11pm you are ready to go. MMM was ready about 10pm, but me and E-M would not leave. So we stayed.

A few members of said band, named Mother Truckers, were actually not fugly (PS fugly means fucking ugly). See it is usually a fugly convention in said bar. It is sad when you and your friends are the only hot people in a bar. How are you suppose to meet people that way? Personally I think it is the bar we choose to hang out in, but I actually love it.

Reason we love said bar:

1. They have our beer we like to drink. MMM’s on tap and me in a bottle, but they always have it.

2. The drinks are not that expensive as compared to other places.

3. The bartenders love us. We even got a Yeungling pitcher on saturday for MMM’s and E-M’s father.

4. The entertainment value of the bar is fantastic. Sometimes we are the entertainment, sometimes the peeps entertain us. You never know what you are going to get there, but it always good times.

5. We have never heard bad music. The bands are always great. Sometimes the classic rock covers, sometimes jam bands and again you never what you are going to get, but they are always good.  

There are probably more reasons, but I have digressed from the evening events again. Well, we decided that we needed to wear our sunglasses. Once I put mine on I could not take them off. Hench the title of this entry. It made life so much more interesting that evening.

Some random guy, named B for the purposes of this said blog, sat next to MMM. He ordered some food. MMM was watching his french fries and really wanted one. I was watching for him to look away so we could steal some, but he did not. So MMM asked for one. He actually gave her one then E-M stole one. it was quite funny. He was cool. he did not seem to mind and I think we were entertaining him all evening. I might have shown him my left breast. I actually do not care that much, I needed to know if my nipples would look okay pierced or not. I was talking to E-M and MMM about that actually. I am a little disappointed it did not happen this weekend. Maybe I need to chill with the whole rebel thing. After all I am a mom. No I am still me and I love what I love.

Well we had a great time as always. We talked about all kinds of shit.

I came up with the best new reality TV show. Life in a bar. All the would need to do it put up cameras in the corners and let the alcohol and life happen. Oh shit, wait, isn’t that how the real world is now. Too bad, so sad already done.

 I decided I need to listen to more rap music. So I have been trying. I think I like Hip Hop, but not rap if that makes any sense.

We discussed my craziness about boys and MMM was surprise I knew how good the boy I have been dating was at giving head, but had not had sex with him yet. She stated, if you got head then you are giving blowjobs. I personally don’t see anything wrong with that (sorry to the people I know that read this, probably way to much on my sex life, just skip it), but she made it out like you should not be doing such a thing. Why? I did not ask her. I do try to keep all the sex stuff to myself, but I don’t think I will here (sorry friends).

Well as we were leaving, I had to piss. So I go potty. MMM and E-M waited by the pool table. They were bombarded with a drunk girl, do not remember name and marine guy for another adventure at Nik’s. I tried to get them to stop talking and leave, but they would not. Drunk girl called me a Ivey League Bitch. Too good I must use that and BTW I know that I am a bitch and I personally don’t give a fuck. Finally MMM and E-M come and we leave.

E-M needs smokes so we go to the Racetrac. On the way to the Racetrac, E-M begins to discuss with MMM how marine boy had licked her fac last time we were at the bar. MMM refuses to believe that occurred. I don’t think it did I would have heard about it. MMM would have totally freaked out. So E-M begins to lick MMM’s face. Crazy drunk people. Then she decides it’s a good idea to lick my face while I am driving. I almost kicked her out of the car and made her walk home. But it was kinda funny and she is MMM’s little sis, so she is kinda like my little sis and could not do that. All I could do was laugh.

All I can say is good times, good times all around.

Later haters.

I have no idea what i am doing in life. I think i just stumble around and see what happens and hope for the best. I am kinda sadden by this at the moment. I need some ground, some direction. i need some fuckin peace. You would think tha goose would be my ground and I would just live for him. i actually do, but I can’t lose my sense of self and I can’t be all about him all the time. He will grow up and go off on his own one day, so i need to figure out what the hell I am doing here and get the fuck on with it.

If you have not noticed i stop censoring my swearing, it really is a part of me and it is fabulous.

Does anyone happen to know that actual meaning of life? I wonder often what the plan for all this actually is. Is it like ancient greek and roman myths, where destiny and fate rule and we just need to go along with the plan? Is it like hinduism or buddhism where we need to strive to reach a better life or nirvana? Is it like christianity where everything is in God’s hands? Or is it like we are in control and we determine what our own lives become? i wish i knew the answer. I do know that so far, everything seems to be in my hands. I make choices, often bad choices, but choices just the same and then life happens.

I think I am just afraid to make major choices. It is like in Indiana Jones and the last crusade when the night says to crazy nazi guy “you have chosen poorly.”  What if that keeps happening? I am not sure I can handle that.

Sure i can make choices and raise Goose just fine, but when it comes to things in my own life I just go with the first thing that comes into my head. MMM states that is extremely bad, but I know myself. if I think to much nothing happens. Perfect explain: I want new bedroom furniture, so I went looking. I found several sets I like but not really that much. I then found this dresser and feel in love, but the bed was bad, so looking for a bed. I finally found one. Beautiful  and Ethan allen $1600 for the frame alone, I would still need to by a dresser and mattress. So I have convinced myself I do not what any bedroom furniture and gave up the whole search. Another example: The guy I was recently dating. He was great. We got along and I felt really comfortable with him. I have convinced myself I do not like him because i do not want to have to deal with a relationship, I think. I am actually not sure why i have convinced myself I do not like him, but I have. Somedays I think I want to call him, but most of the time I don’t. I am not that into the whole thing, but he was nice and sweet and he would have been very good to me.

See my problems. I totally suck and I think I got trapped in a developmental phase that people should go through in high school. I am not sure how to get out of it, but i know that is where I am. Maybe not, when i took abnormal psych i think I was hearing voices for a while and then I thought i was bipolar. I think I have some kind of personality disorder. Maybe I should get out my DSM IV and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I should just go and get my damn psy.D and be done with it. Who the fuck actually knows?

If you have not noticed, I have no IDEA what the FUCK I am doing here.  I need to become myself and just be…

So, I balanced my checkbook today. I really shouldn’t have. Now I am just really depressed. I spend way to much money on stupid ass shit. I have placed myself on a budget. I need to go through and figure in all my expenses for a year and then really sit down and do it. Not that anyone cares.

I have been depressed all week. And really fuckin’ pissy. I have been doing well I think besides that. I am living life and going out and raising my child and working full-time. I am so exhausted at the moment I am not sure what to do. I think i need to get my shit together. What do I actually want?

1. financial stability and safety. Enough money to pay the bills and give goose a great, no good life. he does not need to be spoiled and have everything. ACTION ITEM: Live by my new budget and save, save, save.

2. A great job, no career with a company that values me and rewards my hard work. I currently do love where I work. i have been extremely busy for the last few weeks, but I still love it and respect the company I work for. I just need more cash flow in my paychecks. ACTION ITEM: ask for a raise.

3. Vacation. actually 2 a weekend with the girls and a week with the goose. Next month, we plan on going to Savannah for a long weekend and in September, I am taking Goose to the beach for the first time. I love to travel, so every year goose and I are going somewhere different, this year Charleston, SC and I am extremely excited. As for Savannah, you can walk on the streets and drink and there is a beach close by and MMM loves it and I have never been. So ACTION ITEM: Book trips ASAP and remember to plan a girls weekend and week vacation with Goose every year. I might need to be reminded. I’ll try to do it myself but I am spacey so we will see.

4. I want to sew again and make stuff. I have actually lost some weight and most of my cloths do not fit me anymore. I want to learn how to tailor clothes, so I can fix all my shit instead of buying new things. ACTION ITEM: look this shit up and do it. I think I will begin tomorrow.

5. Stop spending so much time with mom. I love her to death, but she is driving me nuts. I need to get Goose to bed and come up in my room and do stuff. I need to sew and get on the computer and whatever, read a fucking book. I need to have me time and time away from her, so I appreciate the time we do spend together. I kinda began this tonight, so I just need to keep it. Also I don’t want to veg out in front of the TV anymore. I think that is making me more depressed.

6. I still want regular sex, but I am just not really that into dating. I did actually meet a very nice guy and had some very nice make out sessions with him, but as always I am an ass and have not talked to him in about a week. I have been freaking out all week, so that could be why, but in reality he had a little dick and I can’t handle that. He was pretty good with his mouth, but if I can’t just get fucked every once in a while I am not interested. I know TMI, but you know no one reads this anyway so who gives a flying fuck right.

MMM can just have sex with a guy, I am not sure I can do that. I respect her greatly for that  and some times I worry a bit about her. I don’t want her to be unhappy later in life. I actually don’t think she will. she really likes being on her ownand having shit on her terms, but you never know what will happen in life. As for the just sex thing, I would need to try and see what happens, but I think that is what I tried to do with OHM and I fuckin fell in love with him and married him and now I am where I am. So because of that I am not sure I can do that. And I need to balance work, motherhood, friend time and sex time. I never will sleep and damn it if I don’t need 10 hours of sleep a day.

Problems. I have so many problems.

I think this is all I want at the moment. i know not much, but I am just a simple girl from GA and I can survive with very little. I will being working on all of this tomorrow.

So, how have I been? Busy with everything, as mentioned earlier I went on a few dates with a really great guy, but again I am an ass and have not spoken to him in awhile. i was contemplating calling him yesterday, but have decided against it and now I am back to square one. Horny with no one. Hmmm? what to do about that? ZI guess I need to find someone new. That shit is hard and I hate people. I can do it. I am just so fucking lazy, I don’t want to.

What else? Oh yeah! I went to court for the first time in the divorce proceedings and I think we are trying to come up with an agreement. A few things won’t work through. OHM will not take my child out of the country unless i am present. i will not falter on that. And he will pay me $600.00 month in child support. He currently states he has no job and can not afford to pay that. Too bad, so sad, suck it up bitch and support your child or get the fuck out and sign over your rights. I will continue to take you to court if you do not pay and I will get you to lose your rights to your child. Goose deserves so much. The money will mostly be saved for his college. I actually am just fine on my own with the goose. I just have this nasty little shopping habit I need to kick at the moment. i have done it before and I will do it now. It is just wrong that he thinks because he doesn’t have any money he does need to support his child. My lawyer and the court guy did get to witness his crap. And like me they fine it unacceptable as well. I it actually nice to have someone on your side and to have someone else witness all of his crap. Maybe then he might realize he is not always right and maybe he will realize that he actually is a deadbeat dad.

I actually have not heard from him since court. He is suppose to get goose every other weekend and on Sundays of his off week. no call, no-show, no nothing. You want sucks most about all of this, Goose doesn’t get a dad. He is the best ever and deserves so much more than what he actually got and I know life is not always fair and sometimes you get the short end of the stick, but I want everything for him and a father he will never have.

Work. I have been so busy. I am not sure I can handle it, but I have paced myself and it has been okay lately. I need to do some recruiting and there is just no time in the day. I will try again tomorrow, but I do have some patients and they are coming early so I need to be up and out of the house early tomorrow. maybe I should sleep i am actually tried now, so…

Later haters.