skills to pay the bills

So, I balanced my checkbook today. I really shouldn’t have. Now I am just really depressed. I spend way to much money on stupid ass shit. I have placed myself on a budget. I need to go through and figure in all my expenses for a year and then really sit down and do it. Not that anyone cares.

I have been depressed all week. And really fuckin’ pissy. I have been doing well I think besides that. I am living life and going out and raising my child and working full-time. I am so exhausted at the moment I am not sure what to do. I think i need to get my shit together. What do I actually want?

1. financial stability and safety. Enough money to pay the bills and give goose a great, no good life. he does not need to be spoiled and have everything. ACTION ITEM: Live by my new budget and save, save, save.

2. A great job, no career with a company that values me and rewards my hard work. I currently do love where I work. i have been extremely busy for the last few weeks, but I still love it and respect the company I work for. I just need more cash flow in my paychecks. ACTION ITEM: ask for a raise.

3. Vacation. actually 2 a weekend with the girls and a week with the goose. Next month, we plan on going to Savannah for a long weekend and in September, I am taking Goose to the beach for the first time. I love to travel, so every year goose and I are going somewhere different, this year Charleston, SC and I am extremely excited. As for Savannah, you can walk on the streets and drink and there is a beach close by and MMM loves it and I have never been. So ACTION ITEM: Book trips ASAP and remember to plan a girls weekend and week vacation with Goose every year. I might need to be reminded. I’ll try to do it myself but I am spacey so we will see.

4. I want to sew again and make stuff. I have actually lost some weight and most of my cloths do not fit me anymore. I want to learn how to tailor clothes, so I can fix all my shit instead of buying new things. ACTION ITEM: look this shit up and do it. I think I will begin tomorrow.

5. Stop spending so much time with mom. I love her to death, but she is driving me nuts. I need to get Goose to bed and come up in my room and do stuff. I need to sew and get on the computer and whatever, read a fucking book. I need to have me time and time away from her, so I appreciate the time we do spend together. I kinda began this tonight, so I just need to keep it. Also I don’t want to veg out in front of the TV anymore. I think that is making me more depressed.

6. I still want regular sex, but I am just not really that into dating. I did actually meet a very nice guy and had some very nice make out sessions with him, but as always I am an ass and have not talked to him in about a week. I have been freaking out all week, so that could be why, but in reality he had a little dick and I can’t handle that. He was pretty good with his mouth, but if I can’t just get fucked every once in a while I am not interested. I know TMI, but you know no one reads this anyway so who gives a flying fuck right.

MMM can just have sex with a guy, I am not sure I can do that. I respect her greatly for that  and some times I worry a bit about her. I don’t want her to be unhappy later in life. I actually don’t think she will. she really likes being on her ownand having shit on her terms, but you never know what will happen in life. As for the just sex thing, I would need to try and see what happens, but I think that is what I tried to do with OHM and I fuckin fell in love with him and married him and now I am where I am. So because of that I am not sure I can do that. And I need to balance work, motherhood, friend time and sex time. I never will sleep and damn it if I don’t need 10 hours of sleep a day.

Problems. I have so many problems.

I think this is all I want at the moment. i know not much, but I am just a simple girl from GA and I can survive with very little. I will being working on all of this tomorrow.

So, how have I been? Busy with everything, as mentioned earlier I went on a few dates with a really great guy, but again I am an ass and have not spoken to him in awhile. i was contemplating calling him yesterday, but have decided against it and now I am back to square one. Horny with no one. Hmmm? what to do about that? ZI guess I need to find someone new. That shit is hard and I hate people. I can do it. I am just so fucking lazy, I don’t want to.

What else? Oh yeah! I went to court for the first time in the divorce proceedings and I think we are trying to come up with an agreement. A few things won’t work through. OHM will not take my child out of the country unless i am present. i will not falter on that. And he will pay me $600.00 month in child support. He currently states he has no job and can not afford to pay that. Too bad, so sad, suck it up bitch and support your child or get the fuck out and sign over your rights. I will continue to take you to court if you do not pay and I will get you to lose your rights to your child. Goose deserves so much. The money will mostly be saved for his college. I actually am just fine on my own with the goose. I just have this nasty little shopping habit I need to kick at the moment. i have done it before and I will do it now. It is just wrong that he thinks because he doesn’t have any money he does need to support his child. My lawyer and the court guy did get to witness his crap. And like me they fine it unacceptable as well. I it actually nice to have someone on your side and to have someone else witness all of his crap. Maybe then he might realize he is not always right and maybe he will realize that he actually is a deadbeat dad.

I actually have not heard from him since court. He is suppose to get goose every other weekend and on Sundays of his off week. no call, no-show, no nothing. You want sucks most about all of this, Goose doesn’t get a dad. He is the best ever and deserves so much more than what he actually got and I know life is not always fair and sometimes you get the short end of the stick, but I want everything for him and a father he will never have.

Work. I have been so busy. I am not sure I can handle it, but I have paced myself and it has been okay lately. I need to do some recruiting and there is just no time in the day. I will try again tomorrow, but I do have some patients and they are coming early so I need to be up and out of the house early tomorrow. maybe I should sleep i am actually tried now, so…

Later haters.

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