son of a bitch gettin paid gettin rich

I have no idea what i am doing in life. I think i just stumble around and see what happens and hope for the best. I am kinda sadden by this at the moment. I need some ground, some direction. i need some fuckin peace. You would think tha goose would be my ground and I would just live for him. i actually do, but I can’t lose my sense of self and I can’t be all about him all the time. He will grow up and go off on his own one day, so i need to figure out what the hell I am doing here and get the fuck on with it.

If you have not noticed i stop censoring my swearing, it really is a part of me and it is fabulous.

Does anyone happen to know that actual meaning of life? I wonder often what the plan for all this actually is. Is it like ancient greek and roman myths, where destiny and fate rule and we just need to go along with the plan? Is it like hinduism or buddhism where we need to strive to reach a better life or nirvana? Is it like christianity where everything is in God’s hands? Or is it like we are in control and we determine what our own lives become? i wish i knew the answer. I do know that so far, everything seems to be in my hands. I make choices, often bad choices, but choices just the same and then life happens.

I think I am just afraid to make major choices. It is like in Indiana Jones and the last crusade when the night says to crazy nazi guy “you have chosen poorly.”  What if that keeps happening? I am not sure I can handle that.

Sure i can make choices and raise Goose just fine, but when it comes to things in my own life I just go with the first thing that comes into my head. MMM states that is extremely bad, but I know myself. if I think to much nothing happens. Perfect explain: I want new bedroom furniture, so I went looking. I found several sets I like but not really that much. I then found this dresser and feel in love, but the bed was bad, so looking for a bed. I finally found one. Beautiful  and Ethan allen $1600 for the frame alone, I would still need to by a dresser and mattress. So I have convinced myself I do not what any bedroom furniture and gave up the whole search. Another example: The guy I was recently dating. He was great. We got along and I felt really comfortable with him. I have convinced myself I do not like him because i do not want to have to deal with a relationship, I think. I am actually not sure why i have convinced myself I do not like him, but I have. Somedays I think I want to call him, but most of the time I don’t. I am not that into the whole thing, but he was nice and sweet and he would have been very good to me.

See my problems. I totally suck and I think I got trapped in a developmental phase that people should go through in high school. I am not sure how to get out of it, but i know that is where I am. Maybe not, when i took abnormal psych i think I was hearing voices for a while and then I thought i was bipolar. I think I have some kind of personality disorder. Maybe I should get out my DSM IV and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Maybe I should just go and get my damn psy.D and be done with it. Who the fuck actually knows?

If you have not noticed, I have no IDEA what the FUCK I am doing here.  I need to become myself and just be…

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