knowing me, knowing you

Do you ever think that  you really know yourself? Can you discover things about yourself as you grow older? Can you change and see those changes?

I feel like I have changed. I have become more introverted and reclusive then I always was. I want to be alone most of the time- well I will never be alone, I will always have goose- but that is okay i can handle him. I don’t like people. I have always been that way and that has always been okay with me, but know it just seems to be getting worse and worse.

I have found that I have changed. Life has changed me and i am not sure of how I am going and what I am becoming. I wonder what happen to me. Was it just OHM or is it just me? I have tried therapy before and it was not the helpful I think. I just felt weird the whole time and i didn’t really like th lady and it was expensive. How did I changed and why and i just now noticing? and how do I go back?

Can I step out of my box and become the person I want to be? how do I get out of the box? Should i jump and run or climb slowly?

Maybe i haven’t gotten my life into full restoration. Maybe there is more i need to do. But when will i be done? And what should my steps be?

but first what is making me this way and why?

hmm… well let’s begin with people. Why do people bother me so much? 1. they are very self-centered and full of drama. 2. they are rude and unaware of it. 3. they just plain suck. how do you get over these things? Should I just call out everyone i know and let them know that i will no longer tolerate any craziness or rudeness?  That can’t happen- then i won’t know any one. Can i just ignore their shortcomings and faults? Possibly, but how hard is that?

Sometimes I just need time to myself. maybe it just that I am not alone ever. And over the last few months i have not spent anytime alone. If I am not with Goose and mom, then I am at work and if I am not there then I am out with my friends.  I can never be alone. I know that I can’t afford to have my own place with just me and Goose, but it just sucks never to just have time with just me and my son. Prime example: my bosses husband dies on Sunday and I want to take them some food… mom wanted all of us to go and then go out to eat. No, I don’t want to bring all kinds of people over to their house, it will just be me and goose. but she has to be evolved in everything. No you need to let me and goose have some time- everyone gets time alone with him but me. I need to move.

And then there are my friends- who just have a crapload of drama all the time and have to make everything about themselves and if you call them out that the world does not revolve around them they get really pissed and don’t understand. Really, really, really get your shit together get rid of all the drama and stop being so selfish. I know there was some time in my life that I was very selfish and needed my friends support- but if I think back I really didn’t get what I should have. I try to be there for them, but they won’t  let me in. Maybe I just have crappy friends? But maybe I am a crappy friend as well? I am just not sure.

How do I get out of all of this? A few weeks ago I thought I was back to being me and then I realized it was all just in my head.  I am totally not back to being me. But how do I become myself again?

Do I need some alone time for reflection? Do I need to reevaluate whom I want in my life? Do I need to move?

Moving- It always comes down to this. Sometime I have always wanted to d, but have never really had the courage to do so. And where would I like to go and can I afford to be elsewhere? Goose loves the beach and is always talking about his beach- I really hate florida and don’t want to got to the Carolinas, so where is there a beach that we can move to and be happy? The Northeast- possibly to cold- Goose also like snow a lot!  How do you up and move? Is it just as simple as looking for a new job and then finding a place to live? Or is there more research involved?

It scares me the tought of moving and starting my life all over. I absolutely hate the place that I am currently in and maybe that is just what I need to become me again. But will I isolate myself so much that I become the crazy cat lady just with one child? Or will I get out of my introverted shell and make new friends? I really think the latter would happen, but in reality you never know.

LAst year I gave myself to October to move and it is now April- I think I need to get on it.

Plans:

1. Pay off as much debt as I can and save as much money as I can.

2. Look for a new job.

3. Check out schools and areas to live in- Northeast- beachy Florida- out of country.

4. Tell OHM- figure out what to do with visitation for goose.

maybe looking at areas should be the first thing to do? Yep i think so and I have some time today, so here we go.

You never know if it is the right thing to do especially with a child, but if I don’t follow my heart and dreams and lead that example for my child, he never will as well and that is not what i want for him.

You know it sucks being this self-aware.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: