So I have been feeling a bit crafty lately and not really much else.
Life is life and I wonder where I am going in my life and what I am supposed to do. I was walking into work the other day and was like I am just walking. I was like I am just going through the motions of living but not really living. How do you really live? Do I need to find out where my heart is and go with that?
Where is my heart? Who fucking knows these days? I love my career choice, but now I am tired of being a coordinator. I want to move on to something else. I want to stay in research but maybe work in project management. I have looked at some jobs and they all want CRAs. And that is definitely something I do not want to do. I know one thing I will not be a coordinator forever and it will end very soon.
Work is okay. I have not been feeling it so I have not really been working much. I have been looking at patterns and designs and numerous things to make and working on these here blogs. More so my craft blog. I think to have a career in crafting I need to get my stuff out there and show the world I am here. I think I should try to make friends with other crafters and see what happens.
On that note… AEM told me I needed to make “friends” with some male crocheters. I should begin to talk to them on their blogs and go from there. Why does everyone have this need to have me be with someone? I am perfectly happy just the way I am. I was perfectly happy before OHM and I am just perfectly happy now, the mess in between was the problem. Relationships complicate things and I like it sweet and simple.
On that note MMM and LKM cousin basically confessed his heart to me on saturday night. What do you say to someone who is drunkenly confessing their love for you and you have absolutely no interest? I was very polite and told him thank you and that I was very flattered. he did make some great points…
1. I have great balance in my life of work, being a single parent, crafting, and a social life. Now if I could just figure out how to get dating in the mess of things I might truly be balanced, but wait whom am I kidding I hate dating. I find the whole process weird and uncomfortable and annoying. So maybe I need to leave my life as it is. And it seems I am always doing something. Some days I am just so tired. Maybe I need to take a break, but if I do will I get bored? Probably, so forward one my young steed.
2. I handle the ex perfectly. You know it was not always easy, but I have to think about my son and that damn kid loves his father so he needs to see his father and vice versa. Now OHM was not always as good as he has been in the past. I had to bitch and moan and chew him out and cuss up a storm for him to finally get it and now he loves spending time with and he wants to have him whenever. He gets him every other weekend unless we switch for some reason. He is always there to pick him up at school and they always have a great weekend.
It was hard getting to this point. I had to let a lot go and I mean a lot. That man in my opinion is a fucking rat ass bastard who deserves to rot in the hell he was born from. Wow that was powerful! But now we are back to the fact that he is my goose’s father and goose loves him. I still don’t trust him that much and I think he shady and I think some of the things he does are really off the wall, but I know goose is happy with him and that is all that matters.
I am a great parent. I have put my child first. And I think that is what a great parent should do.
OHM is at court today. Yesterday I was actually talking to god about him and asking god to make sure what is supposed to happen. I hope that everything works out. As I always say “everything always works out, not how you planned, but how it is supposed too.” And I know in my heart it will, but what is the proper way for it to work out. (FYI OHM is not from the country and may be deported back to his country, it is immigration court.)
Maybe my problem is that I am not spiritual enough. I maybe need to find a relationship with god. I think it hard for me to do so because I am not sure there really is a god. I am what you call an agnostic and I think I like it.
Damn I digress too much… where was I oh yeah cousin and pints he was making…
3. I am a truly beautiful person. You know what I am beautiful. I may not be thin or anything like that and I seem to keep getting larger, but I am truly beautiful inside and out.
(sidenote I have no ideal how I got the italics on and now I can not get it off so weird. you can tell I am not computer genius. I cut and pasted and it was gone what the fuck is going on???)
He told me one day I would meet someone and they would knock my socks off. I wonder if that is actually possible since I don’t actually ever wear socks. I have to wear pantyhose at work, but no socks ever. Take that back when I exercise and sometimes in the winter if it really, really, REALLY cold like snow and 30F which does not happen that much in HOTlanta.
4. I am a very strong, independent person. Well, I already knew that. Also one day someone would take care of me. I don’t need anyone getting any ideas. I do not repeat do not need anyone to take care of me. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself and my son and that is just the way I like. Now I would take care of some one else, wait I have already done that and got completely screwed, sooo never mind.
You know the whole process made me really feel good. I was totally not freaked out like I usually would be maybe it was because I know this guy and I am comfortable with him because he is basically family. I am not sure what to think. I love him he is super fun and sweet, but not my type.
What is my type? I am not really sure, but not american and tall are 2 kind of important things for me. How the hell did I get here again? Back to the beginning…
Life in this crazy journey, just another chapter….